This lap dance is so awkward

This past weekend I made my glorious return to Boston, a city that is a little over 2 hours form my home in Connecticut, but one that I haven't been to since 1999, 7 years ago. Now unlike my recent excursions this trip was memorable for a multitude of reasons. I arrived in Boston (without getting lost, a minor miracle) at Noon on Saturday. The next 36 hours were ridiculous on multiple levels, starting with my introduction to Fenway Park.

Saturday

Fenway Park is interesting because it is exactly how I pictured it to be. The concessions were more impressive than I would have imagined but the actual field and stands are exactly as I had pictured. It is so tiny, and there are truly few bad seats in the park. I sat 7 rows behind the plate, absolutely phenomenal seats, I felt I was in "Fever Pitch." Luckily in my section I didn't see any tools who acted like Jimmy Fallon in that movie. I would have punched them in the face.

Interestingly enough I sat next to another Yankee fan who was actually brave enough to show his colors. I did not want beer poured down my back so I left my cap at home. Well wouldn't you know out of the 36,000 insane and passionate Red Sox fans not one even made a comment about it. I was severely disappointed. I guess our seats were in a more of a "Wine and cheese" crowd, as many left the game when it was tied in extra innings with the result still in doubt.

After shitty ending to the game (of course Big Papi got the game winning single) we were off to Foxwoods, courtesy of the limo which drove us to the game. I had already consumed 3 or 4 beers and had only ate a Fenway Frank for nourishment all day. You can already see where this night is heading.

Our ride down to Connecticut could have been in a '85 Delorean, we were seriously gunning it. Also at the same time I was gunning it while drinking and had at least 3 or 4 beers. Yeah I really don't remember.

Once we got up to the room it was a couple more beers and then time for dinner. I remember drinking a Busch Light and not wanting to throw up a little bit in my mouth, thus indicating I was severely inebriated. We strolled down to dinner at Cedar's Steakhouse and had a very "Sopranos-esque" dinner and I devoured a Porterhouse steak and a salad along with many glasses of wine. Halfway through dinner I made a comment, and a member of our party said I wasn't making a lick of sense and was insane. Another bad sign....

After our meal it was time for the "entertainment" portion of our night. This part intrigued me, but not for the perverted reasons you may think. We had ordered 2 strippers to come to our room and perform, basically the most standard bachelor party thing there is. Unknown to all members of our party I had NEVER seen a stripper in action- a total 23 year old, stripper virgin. The "entertainment" came in as planned and they started off doing the basic "stripper" stuff. It was almost surreal as I had a few more drinks and was truly retarded at this point. These girls (one short 18 year oldish blonde and one late 20's tall brunette) came with a bouncer, and of course being a business student I went over to the gentleman named "Big Lou" and started asking him all sorts of questions.

How many shows a night do the girls do?
Do you ever have trouble with people harassing the girls?
Yada Yada Yada....just in case I ever wanna open up my stripper shop I have the basics.

So while I was sitting there enjoying the show, some of the fellas thought it would be fun to buy me a lap dance, luckily with the short blonde one. She came over and started doing what she does, as I just sat there on the bed. Lets be honest lapdances are very awkward. So instead of just sit there I asked her a bunch of questions while she was doing her job.

Does she always work with the same girl?
No, she has a new partner in training right now, but she isn't ready yet.

How many shows has she done tonight?
4

Yes I am a dork but I was much more comfortable treating her like a human instead of a piece of meat.

After the girls left everyone wanted to gamble so we all took off in packs downstairs. Somehow I lost everyone and went down myself, of course after a few more drinks. AA here I come.

I walk down to the Casino floor and I am retarded. I can't figure out how to put $$$ in the slots bc I am too drunk and don't want to play any table games because I know my state of mind. I was a "responsible belligerent drunk!!!" These actions saved me $500 dollars for sure.

I went up to bed by passing out on the floor in my clothes. Stay classy Matt Billias.

Sunday

I woke up on Sunday and decided rather than staying in my room chilling out from 10 AM until Noon (when the limo would drive us back to Boston) I would walk around the Casino. So staying classy as usual, I walked around in the same clothes from the night before, and neglected to brush my teeth before I made this trip. Basically for the next 30 minutes I walked around as people laughed at me and gave me funny looks. These are the same people who think it is prudent to gamble at 10 AM on a Sunday morning.

Yes I was still seriously drunk.

The limo brought the entire bachelor party crew back to Boston around 2:15, and I said a quick goodbye to everyone as my Boston trip was not nearly complete. I had to make the short trip from Medford (where the limo dropped us off) to Cambridge to see a young fellow who I have known since 1st Grade.

In amazing fashion I made it to Dustin (I wish I could do coke with Michael Irvin) Esposito's apartment without making nary a wrong turn, and we proceeded to do the whole hang out and get lunch thing for the next two hours. Now since most f you know who Dustin is I don't need to go into deep character analysis. You all know that I still consider this misguided Cowboy fan one of my best friends although we see each other very sparingly. Basically we think along the same lines, and I can't remember the last time we even had a heated exchange.

Dustin after 6 years of having an unbearably dramatic girlfriend has moved on and taken up a fancy to a new girl. Now this new girl is like night and day compared to the old one, as she is instantly likeable and has the sarcastic humor which we all love. Now I normally don't endorse girls the second I meet them, but I can tell this one is perfect for Mr. "I would make out with Emmitt Smith if I had the chance". It is the first time I have seen one of my buds with a girl that I could undoubtedly see marry. This is a great development. It also helps that I can tell she would absolutely be a welcome addition among Dustin's group of friends, rather than take him away from them.

Anyways I left Dustin's apartment around 5 or so, as he had to do his daily fun activity of making a run to Home Depot/Bed Bath and Beyond/Shaws/wherever. It is funny seeing my traditional wiffle ball/ icee eating competiton/ wall ball/ and biology partner take on chores that my dad would do. Don't worry though, he bought some killer drapes on Sunday they will look fantastic. Dammit we are old.